Certificate:

Director: Edgar Wright

Release Date: 14 February 2010

Tagline: In a town where nothing much goes on, a whole lot is about to go down.

Main Cast:

Simon Pegg … Nicholas Angel

Nick Frost … PC Danny Butterman

I don’t know why I waited so long to watch this. I like Simon Pegg, but was put off by the poor reviews. Hot Fuzz is, in fact, very, very funny. I have a feeling though that people who didn’t grow up in a small country village (like I did) might not get the wonderful parody of village life. Perhaps it was those people who didn’t like it.

Nicholas Angel is almost superhuman. He is an outstanding cop in the Metropolitan Police with an amazing arrest record. However, his fellow officers don’t like the fact that he makes them look bad and he is transferred to Sandford, a very traditional rural village. His new colleagues turn a blind eye to anything and everything that goes on, but Nicholas, being a stickler for the law, cannot let anything go unpunished. When a series of fatal ‘accidents’ occur, he begins to get suspicious and becomes determined to get to the root of things.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: Pedro Almodóvar

Release Date: 26 August 2011

Main Cast:

Antonio Banderas … Robert Ledgard

Elena Anaya … Vera

Blanca Suárez … Norma

Jan Cornet … Vincente

Marisa Paredes … Marilia

Blimey! What an amazing film. Pedro Almodóvar does it again.

A brilliant plastic surgeon creates a type of synthetic skin that withstands any kind of damage. His human test subject is a beautiful woman named Vera who is contained within his home, and cared for by his head servant Marilia. Vera wears a skin-coloured suit made out of fabric instead of clothes and she is constantly watched by Robert and Marilia. She never leaves her room, which only Robert himself holds the key to.

You get no more than that from me! An absolute must see.

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: Guillem Morales

Release Date: 20 May 2011

Tagline: You can’t hide in the dark.

Main Cast:

Belén Rueda … Julia Levin / Sara

Lluís Homar … Isaac

Pablo Derqui … Ángel

This is a real treat!

In a nutshell, Sara and her twin sister, Julia both suffer from the same degenerative eye problem that is untreatable. After Sarah is found hanged at her home, Julia and her husband temporarily move in to Sarah’s home to deal with the funeral and such like. However, Julia suspects that her sister was murdered and tries to get to the bottom of it. As her own sight begins to falter things take a turn for the worse and she finds herself in a very dangerous situation.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: Ben Wheatley

Release Date: 2 September 2011

Tagline: They are bad people. They should suffer.

Main Cast:

Neil Maskell … Jay

MyAnna Buring … Shel

Harry Simpson … Sam

Michael Smiley  …  Gal

Pulp Fiction meets The Wicker Man and not in a good way. It’s bloody awful. No redeeming features whatsoever.

Rating: 0 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: Duncan Jones

Release Date: 1 April 2011

Tagline: Make every second count.

Main Cast:

Jake Gyllenhaal … Colter Stevens

Michelle Monaghan … Christina Warren

Vera Farmiga Colleen Goodwin

I’m not a believer in parallel universes (I think it’s an easy cop out for scientists when they can’t explain something), so I’m in two minds (one in this universe and one in another?) about this. I really enjoyed it up until the end when it got all sentimental and schmaltzy. Source Code is basically Groundhog Day with peril and some dodgy acting (Michelle Monaghan is bland and uninteresting).

As was explained to us early in the film, they have the ability to put the consciousness of one person (x) into the mind of another person (y) in the last eight minutes of y’s life (in this case Colter in to a man called Sean Fentress). For reasons that will become apparent, it is mentioned that the scientist chose Sean because of his physical similarity to Colter. A train on its way into Chicago is blown up (nice SFX here), and Colter is sent into an alternate/parallel universe to discover the identity of the person who placed the bomb on said train. He is told that he cannot affect the outcome as he can’t change the past – his mission is simply to find out who the person is so that they can stop him from further bombings. I could have told him who it was in the second attempt and saved him the bother

MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW!

In the end, the story gets really bogged down in its own quantum physics complexity. Christina obviously knows who Sean is – she is travelling with him. She also has a bit of a thing for Sean. As each attempt is in its own separate timeline she should find his behaviour odd every time, but she doesn’t seem all that bothered. Now, here’s where the ‘physical similarities’ comes in. Guess what? Colter, in between trying to find the bomber, falls in love with her. It’s a good job they put him into that handsome male body and not the pale and spotty geek or, Heaven forbid, the old lady on the top deck! She’s also a deus ex machina – a sloppy plot device if ever I saw one.

I thought that they’d actually come up with a plausible and poignant ending (the freeze frame scene), but that was wrenched away only to be replaced by a ‘lovely’ ending.

So, what happened to Sean in the timeline where Colter saves the day and gets the girl? I don’t think we’re supposed to ask this! Is it even morally ethical for Colter to steal Sean’s body? Surely someone as conscientious as a heroic soldier wouldn’t do such a thing. Oh – wait a minute – in this timeline Sean doesn’t die. Which means that Colter could not have entered his mind because there would be no ‘last eight minutes’ for Sean.

The things that we are asked to suspend disbelief for the sake of stupid endings never ceases to amaze me.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: Takashi Miike

Release Date: 25 September 2010

Tagline: Take up your sword.

Main Cast:

Kôji Yakusho … Shinzaemon Shimada

Takayuki Yamada … Shinrouko

Yûsuke Iseya … Koyata

Gorô Inagaki … Lord Naritsugu Matsudaira

WARNING – MAJOR SPOILER BELOW!

This should have been called 12 Assassins and a Village Idiot With a Sling Shot. I love a good martial arts and sword fight film, but this is tedious beyond belief. Films of this genre, e.g. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,  are usually very believable. I understand that you sometimes have to suspend disbelief, but this goes beyond that.

Let’s start with the ‘village idiot’. He is found in the forest/mountains where a group of highly trained samurais have got lost in on the way to the showdown with the evil Lord Naritsugu Matsudaira. He’s the only one who lives in the forest/whatever, but they find him caught in a trap up in a tree. He’s an idiot, but surely not so much of an idiot that he would get caught in one of, presumably, his own traps.

Moving on to the fight scene. The amount of ludicrous traps that are made and set seemingly overnight in a small village are ridiculous. Somehow, the said assassins and idiot manage to fight and kill around two hundred proficient swordsmen. This goes on for an insufferable amount of time. The final scene where Lord Naritsugu Matsudaira is confronted by the man set on killing him is a total let down. At the end of the film, there are only two men left standing; one assassin and the idiot.

Yawn.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: Luc Besson

Release Date: 3 February 1995

Tagline: A perfect assassin. An innocent girl. They have nothing left to lose except each other.

Main Cast:

Jean Reno … Léon

Natalie Portman … Matilda

Gary Oldman … Stansfield

Danny Aiello … Tony

I watched this film shortly after it was released. I say “watch”, but I switched it off because of Gary Oldman’s excruciating and embarrassing over acting, amongst other things. So, “why?” I hear you ask, “are you reviewing a film you watched fifteen or so years ago”. Well, it was leant to my husband so I thought I’d give it another chance. This time I watched it all, and I still don’t like it.

A hitman (who is really a gentle soul at heart) ‘inherits’ a young girl who’s family have been gunned down by a team of corrupt cops. Not only are these cops inept, but they look pretty ridiculous too. And yes, you’ve guessed it, Gary Oldman plays the and megalomaniacal leader of this ridiculous bunch. He’s some kind of drug addict (prescription?) who, when chewing his pill behaves like Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs) on acid. I don’t want to spoil the ending for you (if you still want to watch it) but I’m guessing that women and children were killed during the finale.

Natalie Portman is excellent as Matilda, but the character is unbelievable and unlikeable.

Leon is cliche ridden and pretentious. It’s like the Beatles and Elvis. You don’t dare say that you don’t like them/him because everyone else are sheep and will deem you to be a tasteless being who is clearly from another planet. Ask yourself this – have you ever come across anybody who says that they don’t like the Beatles or Elvis? No, of course you haven’t. Unless you know me, that is.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Directors: Doug Liman (Identity), Paul Greengrass (Supremacy and Ultimatum)

Release Dates: 2002, 2004, 2007

Main Cast:

Matt Damon … Jason Bourne

Franka Potente … Marie

Chris Cooper … Conklin

I’m reviewing these all together as they are all of the same quality, which is not bad!

The Bourne films are, overall, pretty good films. As usual though (with this type of film) you have to suspend disbelief as there are quite a few situations that are, when you think about it, pretty ludicrous. However, all three films are consistently good and are well worth watching. I recommend that you watch all three back to back, as there are one or two confusing aspects which make more sense when watched in quick succession.

In a nutshell, the plot is this. A young man is rescued from the sea by a fishing boat. He has no idea who he is or what happened to him. Fortunately for him, there seems to be a fairly competent medic on board who removes bullets and such from him. The medic also removes a device that projects an image on the wall of details of a very exclusive Swiss bank account. Yes – we’re suspending disbelief from almost the word go! Anyway, the unidentified man goes to said bank to look at the contents of a security box. In it, he finds passports in various names all with his photo on them, money and a gun. He takes it that his name is Jason Bourne. His presence sets all sorts of alarms going off and he finds himself evading the security with alarming ease. He enlists a total stranger (she’s a sucker for money – money talks, after all) to drive him to Paris. Rather than just leave him in Paris, she stays with him and they *yawn* ‘fall in love’. Bourne is in the middle of a tangled web of corruption, and spends the three films in outrageous car chases and fights.

The Bourne films are perfect ‘popcorn movies’. Don’t worry about the nonsense – grab some munchies, sit back and enjoy!

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars (combined)

Certificate:

Director: Giorgos Lanthimos

Release Date: 23 April 2010

Main Cast:

Christos Stergioglou … Father

Michele Valley … Mother

Aggeliki Papoulia … Older Daughter

Mary Tsoni … Younger Daughter

Hristos Passalis … Son

Anna Kalaitzidou … Christina

Oh my. What a film! Dogtooth is unlike any other film I’ve ever seen. I really don’t know how to review it, because it causes all sorts of conflicting emotions. The film centres on a family where the parents keep their children totally isolated from society and and do not allow any outside influences to corrupt them. The children’s ages are never revealed but, physically, they are all adolescents. They have very low mental ages, and are all all totally emotionless in the sterile environment. The children never question their circumstances as this is all that they know. However, the father regularly brings home a work colleague of his to the house to provide sex for the son so that his natural male ‘urges’ are kept under control. Unsatisfied with the emotionless sex, she approaches the older daughter for sexual favours of her own, and this is where the seed of ‘corruption’ is planted.

So, what are the motives of the parents? Personally, I was left with the impression that they genuinely want to protect their children from all the bad things in life.

Dogtooth contains scenes of awkward humour, but those moment always end with an unsettling feeling. Overall, it’s a fantastic film that captivates from the start. It’s not always an ‘easy watch’, but it is a unique one.

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: Tom Six

Release Date: 7 May 2010 (?)

Tagline: Their flesh is his fantasy.

Main Cast:

Dieter Laser … Dr. Heiter

Ashley C. Williams … Lindsay

Ashlynn Yennie … Jenny

Akihiro Kitamura … Katsuro

Clichéd drivel. Two clueless American bints get lost in the woods and happen to find a house with a clearly demented owner in it (I half expected to have Riff Raff – The Rocky Horror Picture Show – open the door). All of the typical suspend disbelief scenarios e.g. the “why didn’t she/he do this, that or the other” and the totally ridiculous behaviour of the police (running about in a panic) and such like  were there.

It tries to shock and disgust, but it really does neither. In fact it’s all rather comical. I’m sick and tired of watching horror films that have big build ups but fail to deliver. Watch South Park‘s “The Human CentiPad”. Accepting ‘Terms and Conditions’ will never be the same again!

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars