Certificate:

Director: Takashi Miike

Release Date: 25 September 2010

Tagline: Take up your sword.

Main Cast:

Kôji Yakusho … Shinzaemon Shimada

Takayuki Yamada … Shinrouko

Yûsuke Iseya … Koyata

Gorô Inagaki … Lord Naritsugu Matsudaira

WARNING – MAJOR SPOILER BELOW!

This should have been called 12 Assassins and a Village Idiot With a Sling Shot. I love a good martial arts and sword fight film, but this is tedious beyond belief. Films of this genre, e.g. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,  are usually very believable. I understand that you sometimes have to suspend disbelief, but this goes beyond that.

Let’s start with the ‘village idiot’. He is found in the forest/mountains where a group of highly trained samurais have got lost in on the way to the showdown with the evil Lord Naritsugu Matsudaira. He’s the only one who lives in the forest/whatever, but they find him caught in a trap up in a tree. He’s an idiot, but surely not so much of an idiot that he would get caught in one of, presumably, his own traps.

Moving on to the fight scene. The amount of ludicrous traps that are made and set seemingly overnight in a small village are ridiculous. Somehow, the said assassins and idiot manage to fight and kill around two hundred proficient swordsmen. This goes on for an insufferable amount of time. The final scene where Lord Naritsugu Matsudaira is confronted by the man set on killing him is a total let down. At the end of the film, there are only two men left standing; one assassin and the idiot.

Yawn.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Directors: Doug Liman (Identity), Paul Greengrass (Supremacy and Ultimatum)

Release Dates: 2002, 2004, 2007

Main Cast:

Matt Damon … Jason Bourne

Franka Potente … Marie

Chris Cooper … Conklin

I’m reviewing these all together as they are all of the same quality, which is not bad!

The Bourne films are, overall, pretty good films. As usual though (with this type of film) you have to suspend disbelief as there are quite a few situations that are, when you think about it, pretty ludicrous. However, all three films are consistently good and are well worth watching. I recommend that you watch all three back to back, as there are one or two confusing aspects which make more sense when watched in quick succession.

In a nutshell, the plot is this. A young man is rescued from the sea by a fishing boat. He has no idea who he is or what happened to him. Fortunately for him, there seems to be a fairly competent medic on board who removes bullets and such from him. The medic also removes a device that projects an image on the wall of details of a very exclusive Swiss bank account. Yes – we’re suspending disbelief from almost the word go! Anyway, the unidentified man goes to said bank to look at the contents of a security box. In it, he finds passports in various names all with his photo on them, money and a gun. He takes it that his name is Jason Bourne. His presence sets all sorts of alarms going off and he finds himself evading the security with alarming ease. He enlists a total stranger (she’s a sucker for money – money talks, after all) to drive him to Paris. Rather than just leave him in Paris, she stays with him and they *yawn* ‘fall in love’. Bourne is in the middle of a tangled web of corruption, and spends the three films in outrageous car chases and fights.

The Bourne films are perfect ‘popcorn movies’. Don’t worry about the nonsense – grab some munchies, sit back and enjoy!

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars (combined)

Certificate:

Director: Christopher Nolan

Release Date: 16 July 2010

Tagline: The dream is real.

Main Cast:

Dom Cobb … Leonardo DiCaprio

Arthur … Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Ariadne … Ellen Page

Eames … Tom Hardy

Saito … Ken Watanabe

Ok, first things first. 12A? Ludicrous. Not only is there a lot of violence, you’ll have to be very intelligent and/or are able to concentrate well to follow this if you are twelve. Any child less than this age/and or ability will only whinge, moan, declare (loudly) that they want to go to the toilet (it’s 148 minute long) and, more than likely, run around. Therefore, watch it with children present at your peril – distractions *will* result in you being completely lost.

Secondly, forget what you have heard about how it’s confusing and incomprehensible. The primary plot is very easy to grasp. It’s only when you try to link every subtle and glorious details that you begin to question and mull things over.

The primary plot is this. Dom Cobb and his colleagues are thieves, but not in the ordinary sense. They go into the the dreams of people to extract and steal things that are in the dreamer’s mind. They are architects of dream worlds and are able to manipulate the dreamer. Cobb has been accused of his wife’s murder and is unable to return to his home and children. A powerful business man, Saito, offers him a chance to get this accusation ‘taken care of’ if he helps him plant a seed (an inception) in to the mind of his terminally ill fiercest rival’s son. The inception in question is to place the idea that the son does not simply inherit the company and keeps it as it is, but to convince him that he is his own man and dissolve the company and follow his own path. Saito claims that if the son continues the business as it is, then it will be “the next superpower”. It seems that Saito has the world’s best interest at heart, but this is niether confirmed or proved false. Needless to say, Dom accepts this job.

It makes total sense. At least on the surface. I need to watch it again to fully understand all the intricacies of the film as a whole!

Inception is a true slice of originality that is sadly lacking in today’s remakes and regurgitations of the same plot but with different trimmings and actors. Absolutely bloody marvellous!

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

P.S. Leonardo DiCaprio is proving himself to be an exceptional actor with every passing year

Certificate:

Director: Louis Leterrier

Release Date: 13 June 2008

Tagline: You’ll like him when he’s angry.

Main Cast:

Edward Norton … Bruce Banner

Liv Tyler … Betty Ross

Tim Roth … Emil Blonsky

William Hurt … General ‘Thunderbolt’ Ross

I don’t switch many films off, so when I do it means that it’s terrible. I have less tolerance these days to seeing rubbish through to the end. This is the second ‘modern’ Hulk films, and both have been bad.

I’ve decided that a boring comic book can only result in a boring film (Electra and Daredevil are boring too and have made very poor conversions to film). The problem with the Hulk is that we only ever see him when Banner gets angry. Batman and Spider-Man make lots of appearances in the comics and therefore make for exciting films.

I’ve never quite worked out the purpose of the Hulk. He is neither good nor bad and all he seems to do is jump around and smash things up. It is impossible to make an emotional connection with him as Bruce Banner is about as interesting as a wet lettuce.

What is it with comic book adaptations and romantic scenes in the rain? It’s cheesy. Why is the American military so dumb? Bullets clearly have no effect on the Hulk yet they keep on firing away.

Finally, the question of how the Hulk keeps his trousers on is still a mystery. A couple of inches longer and they’d have fit like a glove. They were less convincing than the old TV series.

Please stop making Hulk films. It’s a crappy comic and should be left well alone. I turned it off after seventy six minutes. I just couldn’t take any more. It was making me angry…

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: Steven Spielberg

Release Date: 22 May 2008

Tagline: The adventure continues . . .

Main Cast:

Henry ‘Indiana’ Jones … Harrison Ford

Cate Blanchett … Irina Spalko

Shia LaBeouf … Mutt Williams

Awful, awful, awful. Harrison Ford is too old for this type of roll. He was embarrassingly bad in the first part of this, and only seemed to show any real enthusiasm about two thirds in. It’s full of the same old Indiana Jones clichés – I don’t think that they even tried to inject anything new into it. Why bother when it will put bums on seats with little to no effort? What on Earth was Cate Blanchett thinking when she took this role?

The lack of imagination in the above tagline says it all. This is a tired franchise that should have been laid to rest by now. Let’s hope they don’t dig it up again.

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

P.S. I don’t know what it was really made of, but does anyone else think that the ‘crystal skull’ looked like plastic with some scrunched up cling film in it?

Certificate:

Director: Hoyt Yeatman

Release Date: 31 July 2009

Tagline: The world needs bigger heroes.

Main Cast:

Bill Nighy … Leonard Saber

Zach Galifianakis … Ben

Sam Rockwell … Darwin (voice)

Jon Favreau … Hurley (voice)

Nicolas Cage … Speckles (voice)

G-Force has guinea pigs in it. Talking guinea pigs. That’s two stars already! I actually really liked this, and don’t know why it has such a poor rating on the IMDB. It’s fast and funny, and although the plot is slightly bizarre and formulaic, it kept me entertained. Basically, a group of guinea pig special agents discover a plot to take over the world through household appliances (I told you it was bizarre), and they have to save the day. There are some really good gadgets, and I especially liked the exercise ball cars.

Whilst not in the same league as Pixar films, G-Force is still very worth watching both for children and adults.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: Leslie H. Martinson

Release Date: 16 December 1966

Tagline: He’s here, big as life, in a real Bat-Epic.

Main Cast:

Adam West … Bruce Wayne / Batman

Burt Ward … Dick Grayson / Robin

Lee Meriwether … Miss Kitka / Catwoman

Burgess Meredith … The Penguin

Cesar Romero … The Joker

Frank Gorshin … The Riddler

I love the dark and moody Batman. I also love the comic and camp Batman of the 1960s tv show, and this is chock full of camp ‘kerpows’ and Holy whatsits!

All the actors have a wonderful sense of comic timing, and I defy anyone to say that they don’t have a big grin when watching this (apart from the anal retentive soap dodgers who still live at home when they’re 40).

There are so many fantastic lines for all the characters, and they just keep on going the whole way through. Here are some of my favourites:-

[Batman and Robin are running to the United World Building]
Robin: Holy marathon! I’m getting a stitch, Batman!
Batman: Let’s hope that it’s a stitch in time, Robin, that saves nine – The nine members of the United World Security Council. Come on.

———-

Batman: [reading a riddle] What has yellow skin and writes?
Robin: A ball-point banana!
Batman: [reads the second riddle] What people are always in a hurry?
Robin: Rushing people… Russians!
Batman: So this means…
Robin: Someone Russian is going to slip on a banana and break their neck!
Batman: Precisely, Robin!

———-

Vice Admiral Fangschliester: – to some chap named “P. N. Guin”.
Batman: P. N. Guin…
Robin: Penguin!

———-

Holy review, Batman! It’s fabulous!

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Directors: Neill Blomkamp and Simon Hansen

Release Date: 4 September 2009

Tagline: You are not welcome here.

Main Cast:

Sharlto Copley … Wikus Van De Merwe

Jason Cope … Grey Bradnam – UKNR Chief Correspondent

I heard good things about this film, but wondered why at the start. It all seemed a bit silly and ridiculous, but when it gets going it’s really, really good. Easily one of the best sci-fi films in recent years.

There’s really only one thing I can say.

I saw the Prawns, and the Prawns were good.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: Kathryn Bigelow

Release Date: 28 August 2009

Tagline: You’ll know when you’re in it.

Main Cast:

Jeremy Renner … SSgt. William James

Anthony Mackie … Sgt. JT Sanborn

Brian Geraghty … Spc. Owen Eldridge

I am at a loss as to why this film has been rated quite highly by film critics. I found it tedious and predictable and I didn’t find one single character in it that I liked and rooted for. Do US soldiers really behave like total twats, or are these characters  just stereotypical for this genre of film.

I will be more than happy if I never see this again.

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: J.J. Abrams

Release Date: 8 May 2009

Tagline: The future begins.

Main Cast:

Chris Pine … James T. Kirk

Zachary Quinto … Spock

Karl Urban … Leonard “Bones” McCoy

Leonard Nimoy … Spock Prime

Eric Bana … Nero

I’m not a Trekker. I think that people who have learned to speak Klingon need to get out more. I don’t like the numerous spin-offs and the feature films (bar one or two) have been rather tedious. I do, however, like the original series, and was excited at the prospect of Star Trek re-imagined with all of the original characters.

It has a wonderful feel to it. The actors have really researched their parts well and the casting (especially Pine, Quinto and Bones) is excellent. I remain undecided about Simon Pegg (Scotty) though. His Scottish accent was, at times, somewhat dodgy to say the least.

So, they get a 10/10 for the look and feel of the film, but it has its faults.

This is very much a prequel to the original series. It deals with character introduction not only to us, but to each other as well. It therefore has to spend considerable time in scene setting (as did Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace). I really enjoyed this section of the film as I think that introduction to the characters is an extremely important part. If you don’t care for the characters (be it in film, book or TV series) then it won’t work.

With regards to the plot, I liked that they didn’t leap to the obvious enemy and went with the slightly lesser known Romulans (the Klingons will require more screen time and it was a wise decision to leave them until, at least, the next instalment). I did find myself a bit confused in one or two places, and I found that I lost concentration at one point in trying to work out what the Hell was going on, which was a bit of a shame. I would have preferred something other than the inevitably messy time travelling story. There are always so many loopholes when time travel is involved, and I’m really not a big fan of it. When you throw in a parallel universe too, it gets even messier.

So, despite its faults, now that the crew of the Enterprise has been established I expect the next one to have a much better story with more heart and depth to it.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars