Certificate:

Director: Leslie H. Martinson

Release Date: 16 December 1966

Tagline: He’s here, big as life, in a real Bat-Epic.

Main Cast:

Adam West … Bruce Wayne / Batman

Burt Ward … Dick Grayson / Robin

Lee Meriwether … Miss Kitka / Catwoman

Burgess Meredith … The Penguin

Cesar Romero … The Joker

Frank Gorshin … The Riddler

I love the dark and moody Batman. I also love the comic and camp Batman of the 1960s tv show, and this is chock full of camp ‘kerpows’ and Holy whatsits!

All the actors have a wonderful sense of comic timing, and I defy anyone to say that they don’t have a big grin when watching this (apart from the anal retentive soap dodgers who still live at home when they’re 40).

There are so many fantastic lines for all the characters, and they just keep on going the whole way through. Here are some of my favourites:-

[Batman and Robin are running to the United World Building]
Robin: Holy marathon! I’m getting a stitch, Batman!
Batman: Let’s hope that it’s a stitch in time, Robin, that saves nine – The nine members of the United World Security Council. Come on.

———-

Batman: [reading a riddle] What has yellow skin and writes?
Robin: A ball-point banana!
Batman: [reads the second riddle] What people are always in a hurry?
Robin: Rushing people… Russians!
Batman: So this means…
Robin: Someone Russian is going to slip on a banana and break their neck!
Batman: Precisely, Robin!

———-

Vice Admiral Fangschliester: – to some chap named “P. N. Guin”.
Batman: P. N. Guin…
Robin: Penguin!

———-

Holy review, Batman! It’s fabulous!

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Directors: Neill Blomkamp and Simon Hansen

Release Date: 4 September 2009

Tagline: You are not welcome here.

Main Cast:

Sharlto Copley … Wikus Van De Merwe

Jason Cope … Grey Bradnam – UKNR Chief Correspondent

I heard good things about this film, but wondered why at the start. It all seemed a bit silly and ridiculous, but when it gets going it’s really, really good. Easily one of the best sci-fi films in recent years.

There’s really only one thing I can say.

I saw the Prawns, and the Prawns were good.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: Kathryn Bigelow

Release Date: 28 August 2009

Tagline: You’ll know when you’re in it.

Main Cast:

Jeremy Renner … SSgt. William James

Anthony Mackie … Sgt. JT Sanborn

Brian Geraghty … Spc. Owen Eldridge

I am at a loss as to why this film has been rated quite highly by film critics. I found it tedious and predictable and I didn’t find one single character in it that I liked and rooted for. Do US soldiers really behave like total twats, or are these characters  just stereotypical for this genre of film.

I will be more than happy if I never see this again.

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: J.J. Abrams

Release Date: 8 May 2009

Tagline: The future begins.

Main Cast:

Chris Pine … James T. Kirk

Zachary Quinto … Spock

Karl Urban … Leonard “Bones” McCoy

Leonard Nimoy … Spock Prime

Eric Bana … Nero

I’m not a Trekker. I think that people who have learned to speak Klingon need to get out more. I don’t like the numerous spin-offs and the feature films (bar one or two) have been rather tedious. I do, however, like the original series, and was excited at the prospect of Star Trek re-imagined with all of the original characters.

It has a wonderful feel to it. The actors have really researched their parts well and the casting (especially Pine, Quinto and Bones) is excellent. I remain undecided about Simon Pegg (Scotty) though. His Scottish accent was, at times, somewhat dodgy to say the least.

So, they get a 10/10 for the look and feel of the film, but it has its faults.

This is very much a prequel to the original series. It deals with character introduction not only to us, but to each other as well. It therefore has to spend considerable time in scene setting (as did Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace). I really enjoyed this section of the film as I think that introduction to the characters is an extremely important part. If you don’t care for the characters (be it in film, book or TV series) then it won’t work.

With regards to the plot, I liked that they didn’t leap to the obvious enemy and went with the slightly lesser known Romulans (the Klingons will require more screen time and it was a wise decision to leave them until, at least, the next instalment). I did find myself a bit confused in one or two places, and I found that I lost concentration at one point in trying to work out what the Hell was going on, which was a bit of a shame. I would have preferred something other than the inevitably messy time travelling story. There are always so many loopholes when time travel is involved, and I’m really not a big fan of it. When you throw in a parallel universe too, it gets even messier.

So, despite its faults, now that the crew of the Enterprise has been established I expect the next one to have a much better story with more heart and depth to it.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: Paul Verhoeven

Release Date: 2 January 1998

Tagline: Genocide doesn’t compare to this.

Main Cast:

Casper Van Dien … Johnny Rico

Dina Meyer … Dizzy Flores

Denise Richards … Carmen Ibanez

Starship Troopers is, in many ways, a strange film. Indeed, the title makes it look like it’s going to be a kitsch sci-fi film, which shows that you can never judge a book by its cover, so to speak. There is a lot of tongue in cheek satire, but underneath all that is a very serious war film. It is set in a future where militarism is primary, signing up is seen as very patriotic and noble and is as common as going to college.

The film follows a group of friends who join the military and find themselves thrown into fighting a bloody and violent war against a race of giant insect like aliens.

Starship Troopers has its fair share of gore and action and at no point does the film disappoint or get tireseome. I was pleasantly surprised to find a very good film behind the ‘popcorn’ title.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: John Favreau

Release Date: 2 May 2008

Tagline: Fully charged.

Main Cast:

Robert Downey Jr … Tony Stark

Terrence Howard … Rhodey

Jeff Bridges … Obadiah Stane

Gwyneth Paltrow … Pepper Potts

Comic book conversions… Some are good, some are bad and some are just average. Iron Man falls into the latter.

It’s shallow and very, very predictable. Now, I know that suspending belief is important when watching comic book films, but Iron Man is at times so ludicrous that this becomes impossible. Possibly the most implausible is the scene where the US Military locate Stark in the middle of the desert and don’t gun him down with friendly fire before he is identified (sorry… Can’t help myself from taking a shot at the trigger happy Americans).

I also think that it does nothing to calm the relations between the USA and Afghanistan. The ‘Jericho’ missile and the ability to wipe out the enemy through such means in the hands of the Americans is, apparently, a great thing.  However, when the tables are turned, the man responsible for these weapons has a sudden stab of conscience when he realises that his own weaponry has been used against his country.

The criteria for a comic book that makes a good film are a) a strong protagonist  b) great supporting characters, and c) a variety of great villains to pit the heroes against. Sadly, Iron Man has none of these.

The two best adaptations of comic books are Batman and Spider-Man. Both of these have all of the above criteron. Both Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker are characters we can identify with and warm to. Stark is just not likeable. He is a shallow character that you just can’t warm to. And Pepper is just a poor imitation of Spider-Man’s Mary Jane Watson.

The CGI is, however, very good and I really enjoyed the clever use of it.

I really can’t see how they can make a sequel out of this, but I’m sure they will.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: Roland Emmerich

Release Date: 27 May 2004

Tagline: This year, a sweater won’t do.

Main Cast:

Dennis Quaid … Jack Hall

Jake Gyllenhaal … Sam Hall

Emmy Rossum … Laura Chapman

Roland Emmerich is responsible for some of the worst movies ever made yet somehow they seem to make money. If you ever needed proof that the average movie goer is happy to watch poorly scripted and utterly ridiculous tosh, then look at Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow and, one suspects, 10,000 B.C. (at the time of writing, the latter has only just been released).

Out of the three films mentioned above, this one is the best. Not that it makes it good, mind you. It’s just not as dreadful as the others.

I know that this is a ‘disaster’ film, but the disaster should be the plot – not the film itself! Seriously though, I know that although you often have to suspend belief for such films, there is proof that they can be made with believable stories (The Towering Inferno is perhaps the best example).

The story is utterly ridiculous. Perhaps my favourite moment is where our heroes go into the ship to find medicine for the potentially fatally ill Laura. As if they weren’t in enough peril (in the middle of a climate catastrophe with a dying friend), there are some wolves (at least they look like wolves) that follow them into the ship and attack them.

Having said all that, as a ‘popcorn’ film, TDAT works reasonably well. However, it totally lacks any sense of danger and tension which are crucial elements of a good disaster film. Somehow you just know that all the main characters will live, and everything will be all right in the end. As is customary with Emmerich’s films it is riddled with clichés and is a fine example of a corny movie.

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: Kerry Conran

Release Date: 01 October 2004

Tagline: Join the Resistance.

Main Cast:

Gwyneth Paltrow … Polly Perkins

Jude Law … Sky Captain

I’m not sure how to rate this film. Visually, it’s very stunning, and I found myself enjoying it up until about half way through, when I lost interest.

It’s an odd mix between the 1940s and the future. I’m not sure that the children of today will understand the blend of the past and the future, however, that doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be done. On the contrary, I hope that it will make today’s kids want to learn more about the past.

The film starts with a Zeppelin called Hindenburg III docking at New York City. Now, I don’t wish to be pedantic, but there never was a Hindenburg III, and no Zeppelin ever docked in this area. I only mention this really as it, along with a cinema screening of The Wizard of Oz (released in 1939) dates the film in the late 1930s / early 1940s. The original Hindenburg crashed in 1937, so one would assume that the film is indeed set around 1939. Of course, no children will care about this in the slightest, and it does at least open their eyes to the fact that Zeppelins existed, and how far removed they are from today’s technology.

Anyway, like I said, it’s not really a criticism as such, more of a quibble. I like things to be factually correct in films.

Overall, I think that this is a good all round family film and should keep most older children entertained. It’s not one for younger children as there will be nothing here that they would be interested in.

Oh, and the end of the film is very good!

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: Paul W. S. Anderson

Release Date: 22 October 2004

Tagline: Whoever wins… We lose.

Main Cast:

Sanaa Lathan … Alexa Woods

Raoul Bova … Sebastian de Rosa

Lance Henriksen … Charles Bishop Weyland

Oh dear. What an absolute pile of drivel this is. AVP is a shameful vehicle made purely to cash in on the fantastic Alien films and the also popular Predator. The acting is poor to say the least, and the characters are totally uninteresing stereotypes. There’s the heroine, the hero, the nerd, the butch female (butch but not gay, as is quickly pointed out to us lest we be horrified and tempted to switch off) etc, etc. You get the picture, I’m sure.

Considering the ancient temple that the film is set in (the very first civilisation, supposedly), the nerd and the hero are experts at translating the script on the temple walls. We need two characters to be ‘experts’, as they get split up and one gets wiped out fairly quickly, otherwise there would be no one to explain the plot to us. There’s even a very complex looking puzzle that Mr. Hero manages to solve in the blink of an eye.

The dialogue is some of the most corny and clichéd that I’ve ever heard, and they sure do pack ‘em in! It’s embarrassing, really.

There is also absolutely no tension whatsoever. It’s just a playground brawl between the two alien species – we don’t care in the slightest who wins. The human characters are so unlikeable that you’ll find yourself relieved when they get killed. And the teaming up of our heroine with one of the predators is ridiculous beyond belief.

There were two elements, however, that I did like. The sacrificial chamber with the alien eggs was a nice idea, and I liked how the temple kept changing to juice up the battlefield (although this reminded me of the excellent Cube).

Truly one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. Be afraid… Be very afraid.

Rating: 0.5 out of 5 stars

Certificate:

Director: Rob Bowman

Release Date: 21 January 2005

Tagline: She’s the last thing that stands between good and evil.

Main Cast:

Jennifer Garner … Elektra

Goran Visnjic … Mark Miller

Kirsten Prout … Abby Miller

Ok. Everything about this film is terrible. I can’t think of one redeeming feature. It’s so incredibly boring it defies belief. The plot is rubbish, the ‘action’ is so bad it puts you to sleep and the acting is bordering on atrocious. Jennifer Garner is more wooden than a plank, and Goran Visnjic (the rather dreamy doctor from ER) is so miscast it’s untrue. And then there’s that hideous child – but don’t get me started on that.

I can’t believe that even Elektra fans would find this entertaining. In fact, if I was an Elektra fan I’m sure I’d have boiled over with rage. Unless, that is, that the Elektra comic is awful too. I would have turned this off half way through, but I love films so much that I wanted to stick with it in case it got better. It didn’t. I truly believe that this is the worst film I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot.

If you’re a masochist, then go for it and watch this. Otherwise, leave well alone.

Rating: 0 out of 5 stars

P.S. No, that is not a mistake – even 0 stars is being too generous.