Certificate:

Director: Paul W. S. Anderson

Release Date: 22 October 2004

Tagline: Whoever wins… We lose.

Main Cast:

Sanaa Lathan … Alexa Woods

Raoul Bova … Sebastian de Rosa

Lance Henriksen … Charles Bishop Weyland

Oh dear. What an absolute pile of drivel this is. AVP is a shameful vehicle made purely to cash in on the fantastic Alien films and the also popular Predator. The acting is poor to say the least, and the characters are totally uninteresing stereotypes. There’s the heroine, the hero, the nerd, the butch female (butch but not gay, as is quickly pointed out to us lest we be horrified and tempted to switch off) etc, etc. You get the picture, I’m sure.

Considering the ancient temple that the film is set in (the very first civilisation, supposedly), the nerd and the hero are experts at translating the script on the temple walls. We need two characters to be ‘experts’, as they get split up and one gets wiped out fairly quickly, otherwise there would be no one to explain the plot to us. There’s even a very complex looking puzzle that Mr. Hero manages to solve in the blink of an eye.

The dialogue is some of the most corny and clichéd that I’ve ever heard, and they sure do pack ‘em in! It’s embarrassing, really.

There is also absolutely no tension whatsoever. It’s just a playground brawl between the two alien species – we don’t care in the slightest who wins. The human characters are so unlikeable that you’ll find yourself relieved when they get killed. And the teaming up of our heroine with one of the predators is ridiculous beyond belief.

There were two elements, however, that I did like. The sacrificial chamber with the alien eggs was a nice idea, and I liked how the temple kept changing to juice up the battlefield (although this reminded me of the excellent Cube).

Truly one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. Be afraid… Be very afraid.

Rating: